NEWS ALERT: Bernie Sanders proposes nationalizing all U.S. bars and restaurants immediately; the Democrat- Socialist presidential candidate says “the only way to provide equal access to delicious food and booze”; will raise burger flippers pay to $25 an hour; price controls because “Big Macs shouldn’t cost $4”; Sanders says “just a reasonable response to the deadly Coronavirus Pandemic”; Bernie Bros lining up by the thousands at White Castle

Desperate Democrats seek fresh face to oppose Trump; DNC Chairman Perez considering all options; “It’s time to think outside the box,” says un-named Democrat strategist

NEWS FLASH: Rock superstar will join Soviet Toothbrush on last leg of their ‘Back to Obscurity’ Tour; famed cowbellist, Pierre Delecto will join the ‘World’s Most Obscure Band’ on stage in Nameless Cove, Newfoundland; Delecto was formerly with the polka/thrash metal band, the Mopes

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL NEWS: Soviet Toothbrush takes off on long-anticipated ‘Back to Obscurity’ Tour launching from Kiev, Ukraine; first stop – Valparaiso, Indiana, USA and the Phi Sigma Kappa fraternity house; thousands of ‘ST’ fans expected to jam the world-famous ‘Ratskeller’ on Sept. 28th; insiders say the security-conscious band is always accompanied on tour by ‘at least one medium tank’; local law enforcement concerned about inflammatory anti-Phi Mu Alpha sentiment erupting among fans

NEWS FLASH: Beto O’Rourke demands ‘mandatory buy-back’ or ‘confiscation’ of all Weber charcoal grills; Democrat Presidential candidate attacks the BBQ classic as an ‘assault weapon on the environment’; declares ‘Hell yes we’re going to take your Kingsford!’

NEWS ALERT: Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signs bill to fund research center to perfect the ‘marijuana cigarette’; “Pot is legal in our state on January 1,” said Pritzker, “so we want to make sure users consume their stash by rolling an environmentally sensitive, sustainable, politically correct and racially equitable, state-approved joint”; the Joint Commission will research the best rolling papers and bongs with recommendations for legislation; a new hookah division will hire 75 researchers in October

SHOCK POLL!!! HUBERT HORATIO HUMPHREY DEFEATS DONALD TRUMP 64% TO 36% IN NEW 2020 PRESIDENTIAL POLL; DESPITE DYING IN 1978, THE FORMER SENATOR AND V.P. IS CONSIDERED A FRONT RUNNER IN THE DEMOCRATIC RACE FOR THE NOMINATION; CAMPAIGN IS CONSIDERING KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND FOR VP; SOURCES SAY BIDEN TEAM WORRIED, WANTS ONE-ON-ONE DEBATES

Survey was conducted by ‘If True’ Research with 696 respondents and a margin of error of 27 points, plus or minus.  ‘If True’ Research is a division of ‘If True’ News – ‘First in Fake News’ and part of the Soviet Toothbrush Family of Industries.