NEWS FLASH: Beto O’Rourke demands ‘mandatory buy-back’ or ‘confiscation’ of all Weber charcoal grills; Democrat Presidential candidate attacks the B-B-Q classic as an ‘assault weapon on the environment’; declares ‘Hell yes we’re going to take your Kingsford!’

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NEWS ALERT: Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signs bill to fund research center to perfect the ‘marijuana cigarette’; “Pot is legal in our state on January 1,” said Pritzker, “so we want to make sure users consume their stash by rolling an environmentally sensitive, sustainable, politically correct and racially equitable, state-approved joint”; the Joint Commission will research the best rolling papers and bongs with recommendations for legislation; a new hookah division will hire 75 researchers in October

SHOCK POLL!!! HUBERT HORATIO HUMPHREY DEFEATS DONALD TRUMP 64% TO 36% IN NEW 2020 PRESIDENTIAL POLL; DESPITE DYING IN 1978, THE FORMER SENATOR AND V.P. IS CONSIDERED A FRONT RUNNER IN THE DEMOCRATIC RACE FOR THE NOMINATION; CAMPAIGN IS CONSIDERING KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND FOR VP; SOURCES SAY BIDEN TEAM WORRIED, WANTS ONE-ON-ONE DEBATES

Survey was conducted by ‘If True’ Research with 696 respondents and a margin of error of 27 points, plus or minus.  ‘If True’ Research is a division of ‘If True’ News – ‘First in Fake News’ and part of the Soviet Toothbrush Family of Industries.

UFO MYSTERY SOLVED! September 30, 2018, 6:32 pm: A massive object hovers over Main Street, Knox, a small, northwest Indiana town; the ‘UFO’ appears wider than two football fields with ‘glowing windows’; witnesses claim to hear voices repeating the words ‘little green cards’ and ‘welcome aliens’; CNN and MSNBC devote 24-hour coverage to the sighting; after six months of investigation by the KPD, the ‘UFO’ has been traced to a local law firm that used a Hollywood-style, special effects, 3-D laser projector to promote its fall sales message — “New Here? Get a Lawyer Now!”; KPD Chief of Police Nick Nickerson comments, “This may be acceptable in Roswell, New Mexico but not in my town”; the identity of the law firm responsible has been sealed by court order; however a confidential informant code-named ‘Goose’ has said the firm will use radio and billboards for next year’s ad campaign

Commuters were shocked to see a huge ‘UFO’ hovering above downtown Knox, Indiana, for several hours on September 30, 2018.

NEWS FLASH: Soviet Toothbrush to kick off long-awaited ‘Back to Obscurity’ Tour at Indiana frat house, Sept 28, 2019; first show since disastrous 2017 ‘Gluttons for Gluten’ Tour; tour sponsors include Atomik, ‘Chernobyl’s Finest Vodka’ and Pootin, the Lavatory Mist that ‘Eliminates Dissenting Scents Fast’; other stops include Akron, Ohio and Nameless Cove, Newfoundland; tickets are on sale now in Kiev

Soviet Toothbrush band members, in costume, assemble with cast and crew during the shooting of a music video for ST’s latest hit, ‘I Left My Kidney in Venezuela.’  The video will promote ST’s latest tour that has been described by some critics as “a questionable decision.”

‘Is like making lemonade out of lemons’ says marketing director of Atomik, the first artisanal vodka made from rye grown in the Chernobyl exclusionary zone; ads promote the Russian way to get blasted; gets ‘glowing’ review from Pravda

From the New York Post (8/8/19)

“This is no more radioactive than any other vodka.”

A team of scientists reportedly created an artisanal spirit known as Atomik — which they concocted using grain and water from the Chernobyl exclusion zone.

It’s the very fist consumer product to come out of the nuclear disaster site, according to the BBC.

“It’s the only bottle in existence,” said UK professor Jim Smith, of the University of Portsmouth.

“I tremble when I pick it up.”

Smith and his team worked on the “artisan vodka” for several years before releasing the very first bottle this week. The biggest question they keep getting, obviously, is whether the alcohol is safe to consume.

“This is no more radioactive than any other vodka,” Smith said. “Any chemist will tell you, when you distil something, impurities stay in the waste product. So we took rye that was slightly contaminated and water from the Chernobyl aquifer and we distilled it. We asked our friends at Southampton University, who have an amazing radio-analytical laboratory, to see if they could find any radioactivity. They couldn’t find anything — everything was below their limit of detection.”

Scientists believe the Chernobly liquor could be a sign of things to come.

“We don’t have to just abandon the land,” explained Dr. Hennady Laptev, of the Ukrainian Hydrometeorological Institute in Kiev. “We can use it in diverse ways and we can produce something that will be totally clean from the radioactivity.”

Smoth agreed, saying: “After 30 years, I think the most important thing in the area is actually economic development, not the radioactivity.”

5 RED STAR RATING FOR POOTIN, THE LAVATORY MIST; SCIENCE PROVES IT ‘STOPS THE STINK’; TESTED TOUGH ON THE 2018 SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH WORLD TOUR BUS; DON’T SPRAY THE AIR – SEAL THE POO; ELIMINATES DISSENTING SCENTS FAST! MAKES A GREAT HOSTESS GIFT!

Yes, you can buy it!  Just click here