5 RED STAR RATING FOR POOTIN, THE LAVATORY MIST; SCIENCE PROVES IT ‘STOPS THE STINK’; TESTED TOUGH ON THE 2018 SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH WORLD TOUR BUS; DON’T SPRAY THE AIR – SEAL THE POO; ELIMINATES DISSENTING SCENTS FAST! MAKES A GREAT HOSTESS GIFT!

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SCANDAL! Self-described “cute tomato” sues the Putin Institute of Food Science (PIFS) for paternity support; claims she was introduced to the “first tomato with a penis” by Chief Researcher Sergei Jeremiahvich; PIFS attorneys say the accused tomato disappeared into a BLT months before the supposed meeting

NEWS FLASH! SCIENTISTS AT MOSCOW’S PUTIN INSTITUTE OF FOOD SCIENCE INTRODUCE A RADICAL NEW TOMATO WITH A PENIS; NO REASON GIVEN FOR 7-YEAR, 200 BILLION RUBLE PROJECT; “JUST MAKE US LAUGH” SAYS CHIEF RESEARCHER SERGEI JEREMIAHVICH, FORMER LEAD DRUMMER OF SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH; RUSSIAN FEMINISTAS AND VEGAN LESBIANS OUTRAGED; NATO CONCERNED ABOUT MILITARY APPLICATIONS; HIGH SCHOOL BOYS AMUSED, SLIGHTLY

NEWS FLASH: Hillary Clinton running for Queen of England; accuses Elizabeth II of being a “white married woman” who “lacks inclusiveness”

NEWS FLASH: Kim Jong Un announces ‘State of the DPRK’ speech for next month; will trumpet success of ‘tax slicing’ and building the ‘Wall’; U.S. experts suspect Kim may be mimicking Trump

NEWS ALERT: Hillary Clinton blames Soviet Toothbrush for 2016 Presidential loss; says band entertained a convention of Macedonian content ‘farmers’, well-known pro-Trump ‘fascists’ in 2015; the band’s lead drummer, Sergei Jeremiahvich, has been identified as a Trump supporter, contributing $2.75 in 2016; Mueller’s independent investigators are said to be looking into the Soviet Toothbrush ’empire’ and links to Putin and Trump-Russian collusion; New York Senator Schumer ‘apoplectic’ – which oddly is the title of the band’s new album, ‘Apoplectically Yours’ releasing early December.

Secretary Clinton asks “What happened?” at a November meeting of her secret coven and Democrat advisors.

Soviet Toothbrush founding artists, Alyosha, Haynev & Jeremiahvich, sue over rights to classic ’70s tune; “LSD refer to Lenin Star Drive around Lake Chukchagirskoye” says band spokesman; band claims to perform hit every night in concert since 1962; Chicago Mayor Rahm “Bo” Emanuel vows to fight