‘CARLOS DANGER’ BLAMES BUSH AS HUMA CUTS WEINER OFF; HILLARY SCOLDS TRUMP FOR SCANDAL; SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH PLANS ROCK OPERA; WILL DEBUT ON APRIL 1, 2017

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FUTURE NEWS FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: BARTENDER AND TAVERN OWNER HILLARY “ROD’EM” CLINTON BOOKED FOR DRUNKEN DRIVING AND RESISTING ARREST; BOND SET AT $1500

Soviet Toothbrush makes long awaited endorsement for U.S. President; “Vermin Supreme represents the kind of values the band has always promoted” says spokesman; Candidate Supreme promises free pony for every American; deteriorating dental infrastructure is top issue facing U.S.

OLD NEWS: HILLARY CLINTON ANNOUNCES RUN FOR U.S. PRESIDENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA; IMAGE CONSULTANTS SUGGEST SOME “FINE TUNING” MAY BE NEEDED; “OPEN AND TRANSPARENT” CLINTON CAMPAIGN HOPES TO “STAY UNDER THE RADAR” UNTIL HER 2017 INAUGERATION; REPUBLICANS FEAR “WAR ON WOMEN” 2.0; DEMOCRATS “HILLAR-IOUS” ABOUT “H-ROD”

“I want to be the Champion of everyday Americans,” Mrs. Clinton announces.

Soviet Toothbrush buys rights to “50 Shades of Taupe”; blockbuster novel tells the story of a middle-aged DIYer who meets a colorful young woman running the paint department of a Home Depot; the rock opera will explore the morality of oil-based paints; fans wonder how the band will treat the controversial “spackle chapter”

“Brian Williams never play bass guitar for Soviet Toothbrush” says band spokesperson; NBC anchor claims he toured in 1994; may join ST for 2015 “Fatwa This” World Tour on cowbell

“JE SUIS MAD” DECLARES SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH SPOKESPERSON; BAND SHOWS SOLIDARITY WITH THE “USUAL BUNCH OF IDIOTS”; ISSUES “FARTWA” ON “EXTREMITIES EVERYWHERE”