NEWS FLASH: Hillary Clinton running for Queen of England; accuses Elizabeth II of being a “white married woman” who “lacks inclusiveness”

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NEWS FLASH: Kim Jong Un announces ‘State of the DPRK’ speech for next month; will trumpet success of ‘tax slicing’ and building the ‘Wall’; U.S. experts suspect Kim may be mimicking Trump

‘CARLOS DANGER’ BLAMES BUSH AS HUMA CUTS WEINER OFF; HILLARY SCOLDS TRUMP FOR SCANDAL; SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH PLANS ROCK OPERA; WILL DEBUT ON APRIL 1, 2017

FUTURE NEWS FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: BARTENDER AND TAVERN OWNER HILLARY “ROD’EM” CLINTON BOOKED FOR DRUNKEN DRIVING AND RESISTING ARREST; BOND SET AT $1500

Soviet Toothbrush makes long awaited endorsement for U.S. President; “Vermin Supreme represents the kind of values the band has always promoted” says spokesman; Candidate Supreme promises free pony for every American; deteriorating dental infrastructure is top issue facing U.S.

OLD NEWS: HILLARY CLINTON ANNOUNCES RUN FOR U.S. PRESIDENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA; IMAGE CONSULTANTS SUGGEST SOME “FINE TUNING” MAY BE NEEDED; “OPEN AND TRANSPARENT” CLINTON CAMPAIGN HOPES TO “STAY UNDER THE RADAR” UNTIL HER 2017 INAUGERATION; REPUBLICANS FEAR “WAR ON WOMEN” 2.0; DEMOCRATS “HILLAR-IOUS” ABOUT “H-ROD”

“I want to be the Champion of everyday Americans,” Mrs. Clinton announces.

Soviet Toothbrush buys rights to “50 Shades of Taupe”; blockbuster novel tells the story of a middle-aged DIYer who meets a colorful young woman running the paint department of a Home Depot; the rock opera will explore the morality of oil-based paints; fans wonder how the band will treat the controversial “spackle chapter”