NEW! Dr. Anthony Fauci introduces the PlagueDoctor brand of Personal Protective Equipment; advanced face masks designed by “caring government scientists”; Congress will mandate all citizens must wear — indoors and out; Rev. Al Sharpton declares “[Fauci Facemasks] could help fight racism”

Now with integrated goggles!  See the whole line of PlagueDoctor PPE on Amazon.

FUTURE NEWS Oct. 29, 2029: Economic crash smacks Wall Street as face mask sales dive 98%; Covid 27 finally defeated with mass immunizations and 12 feet social distancing; grandparents finally see faces of grandchildren for first time in 9 years; some good news — bars are finally freed from Covid restrictions; face mask industry hopes pet masks will fill the sales void

NEWS ALERT: Bernie Sanders proposes nationalizing all U.S. bars and restaurants immediately; the Democrat- Socialist presidential candidate says “the only way to provide equal access to delicious food and booze”; will raise burger flippers pay to $25 an hour; price controls because “Big Macs shouldn’t cost $4”; Sanders says “just a reasonable response to the deadly Coronavirus Pandemic”; Bernie Bros lining up by the thousands at White Castle

Desperate Democrats seek fresh face to oppose Trump; DNC Chairman Perez considering all options; “It’s time to think outside the box,” says un-named Democrat strategist

NEWS FLASH: Rock superstar will join Soviet Toothbrush on last leg of their ‘Back to Obscurity’ Tour; famed cowbellist, Pierre Delecto will join the ‘World’s Most Obscure Band’ on stage in Nameless Cove, Newfoundland; Delecto was formerly with the polka/thrash metal band, the Mopes

NEWS FLASH: Beto O’Rourke demands ‘mandatory buy-back’ or ‘confiscation’ of all Weber charcoal grills; Democrat Presidential candidate attacks the BBQ classic as an ‘assault weapon on the environment’; declares ‘Hell yes we’re going to take your Kingsford!’

NEWS ALERT: Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signs bill to fund research center to perfect the ‘marijuana cigarette’; “Pot is legal in our state on January 1,” said Pritzker, “so we want to make sure users consume their stash by rolling an environmentally sensitive, sustainable, politically correct and racially equitable, state-approved joint”; the Joint Commission will research the best rolling papers and bongs with recommendations for legislation; a new hookah division will hire 75 researchers in October

SCANDAL! Self-described “cute tomato” sues the Putin Institute of Food Science (PIFS) for paternity support; claims she was introduced to the “first tomato with a penis” by Chief Researcher Sergei Jeremiahvich; PIFS attorneys say the accused tomato disappeared into a BLT months before the supposed meeting

NEWS FLASH! SCIENTISTS AT MOSCOW’S PUTIN INSTITUTE OF FOOD SCIENCE INTRODUCE A RADICAL NEW TOMATO WITH A PENIS; NO REASON GIVEN FOR 7-YEAR, 200 BILLION RUBLE PROJECT; “JUST MAKE US LAUGH” SAYS CHIEF RESEARCHER SERGEI JEREMIAHVICH, FORMER LEAD DRUMMER OF SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH; RUSSIAN FEMINISTAS AND VEGAN LESBIANS OUTRAGED; NATO CONCERNED ABOUT MILITARY APPLICATIONS; HIGH SCHOOL BOYS AMUSED, SLIGHTLY

NEWS FLASH: Hillary Clinton running for Queen of England; accuses Elizabeth II of being a “white married woman” who “lacks inclusiveness”