SCANDAL! Self-described “cute tomato” sues the Putin Institute of Food Science (PIFS) for paternity support; claims she was introduced to the “first tomato with a penis” by Chief Researcher Sergei Jeremiahvich; PIFS attorneys say the accused tomato disappeared into a BLT months before the supposed meeting

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NEWS FLASH! SCIENTISTS AT MOSCOW’S PUTIN INSTITUTE OF FOOD SCIENCE INTRODUCE A RADICAL NEW TOMATO WITH A PENIS; NO REASON GIVEN FOR 7-YEAR, 200 BILLION RUBLE PROJECT; “JUST MAKE US LAUGH” SAYS CHIEF RESEARCHER SERGEI JEREMIAHVICH, FORMER LEAD DRUMMER OF SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH; RUSSIAN FEMINISTAS AND VEGAN LESBIANS OUTRAGED; NATO CONCERNED ABOUT MILITARY APPLICATIONS; HIGH SCHOOL BOYS AMUSED, SLIGHTLY

NEWS FLASH: Hillary Clinton running for Queen of England; accuses Elizabeth II of being a “white married woman” who “lacks inclusiveness”

NEWS FLASH: Kim Jong Un announces ‘State of the DPRK’ speech for next month; will trumpet success of ‘tax slicing’ and building the ‘Wall’; U.S. experts suspect Kim may be mimicking Trump

‘CARLOS DANGER’ BLAMES BUSH AS HUMA CUTS WEINER OFF; HILLARY SCOLDS TRUMP FOR SCANDAL; SOVIET TOOTHBRUSH PLANS ROCK OPERA; WILL DEBUT ON APRIL 1, 2017

FUTURE NEWS FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: BARTENDER AND TAVERN OWNER HILLARY “ROD’EM” CLINTON BOOKED FOR DRUNKEN DRIVING AND RESISTING ARREST; BOND SET AT $1500

Soviet Toothbrush makes long awaited endorsement for U.S. President; “Vermin Supreme represents the kind of values the band has always promoted” says spokesman; Candidate Supreme promises free pony for every American; deteriorating dental infrastructure is top issue facing U.S.